In the 21st century, it
may sound preposterous hearing stories that the culture of wife
battering still exists in our societies. If it does, we assume, it
happens to the illiterate back in the rural areas. But I was recently
crestfallen upon realizing that the vice is still amidst us. If it is
not your neighbor, then it is you. And the sad part is, those facing
both psychological and physical torture live in denial, refusing to
seek help even when the issue is serious. A small quarrel may soon
swell into a slap, later on into a belt and finally into donkey
whipping. At that point, a woman starts to loose her sense of living,
allows stress to eat her up, and eventually succumbs to it. The happy
couple we see walking past us,portraying an admirable picture may
have a meandering life that is more than meets the eye. Their
husbands might appear to be a sheep wool on the outside, but a wolf
in the inside. I recently sought to dig into the matter and upon
resurfacing, I came with me disturbing stories from women, women who
suffer in the hands of their pastor husbands and working elite men
who are the epitome of our society.
An example to emulate.
Hellen Njeri,not her real name, a
mother of three in Rongai has been suffering silently that not even
her neighbors could know or even suspect that a wife to a pastor
suffer from blows and kicks of a husband who is supposed to kick
demons out of his brethren through prayers. It is one morning that a
neighbor heard someone crying slowly behind the house. He decided to
eavesdrop and hear what the matter was. Njeri's husband is a
missionary pastor in Congo. He had arrived the previous night.
Acording to the neighbor, James Moywaywa, Njeri has been having
challenges of raising her three kids alone since the husband is
spreading the gospel. She always spoke highly of the husband to
James. So James was convinced that no matter the struggle she
undergoes upbringing her kids, she has a pillar in the name of
husband. James heard the husband quarreling his wife, beating her up
with a belt. It then dawned on James that the scars she had on her
face were actually as a result of regular beatings and suffering. She
is only 35 but aging quickly, wrinkles in her face can manifest. When
James told me about the woman, I decided to go see her and see if I
can talk to her.
On reaching her house, in the absence
of her husband, I was confronted by a house which appeared deserted.
Since the house is a three bedroomed house, one could expect a
descent family with enough income. Wrong. The woman and the children
live in total abject squalidity. I try to milk some information from
her but she is reluctant to respond to any of my questions. She
however breaks down into tears after I kept on asking her to open up.
She tells me that her husband is a high tempered man. Anything small
could erupt to a quarrel or beating. I realize that she was sitting
on a volcano. Her kids, she says, watch everything the father does to
her but could not speak to anyone or else 'smear' mud to the pastor's
family. “I cannot seek help from anyone because I do not want to
spoil the name of my husband,” she says. Although her husband pays
the rent, he only does this to maintain his public image. “he works
abroad, everyone expects that we live a happy life. We accept
whatever he brings.” she told me. She however appears optimistic
that her husband will change for the better one day. “His work
should be reflected to his family, I am trying to maintain that now,
but I hope that one day, he will truly be a responsible husband. I
will never expose our family's dirty linen.” she says. She narrates
to me stories of other women in the neighborhood who face troubles
and come to her for counselling since she is a pastor's wife. It is
then that I learn that what I know about women battering is just but
a tip of the ice berg.
Diana Oenga, not her real name has
also been facing domestic violence and unlike Njeri, her case is
known to he neighbors. Her husband who works in a government office
always beat her up and because she does not have alternative source
of survival apart from her husband's. So she has to contend with the
beatings. She hurriedly got married immediately after her form four
examinations because she became pregnant of her husband. Her father
disowned so she decided to get married.
Nicholas Nyakundi, a marriage
counsellor based in Nakuru says that cases of domestic violence are
rampant in the country and only a few women come forward to speak.
“Others opt to suffer silently. They do not want to show that
'spoil' the family image” Says Nyakundi. He tells me that he
receives cases from women whose marriages are in a stumble. He points
out early marriages as a reason for domestic violence. “A man beats
a woman because he knows that she will not go anywhere, she is poor
without him, so he misuses her” says Nyakundi. He advices that
women should develop their careers first before rushing into
marriage. “Go into marriage when you are stable and know you will
not ask your husband money to buy a matchbox,” he says.
However, madam Nancy Gakahu, a gender
and conflict resolution lecturer at Masinde Muliro University says
that in the 21st century, women should not allow to suffer
in the hands of men. “We have several NGOs ready to help women
facing violence, women should use them as their shield,” she says.
She says that women should not suffer in silence, they will end up
losing and maybe die for being quite. “women's roles in the society
are more or less the same as those of men. I do not see the reason
why one should discriminate the other.” she says.
“Make hay while the sun shines.”
That is what John Omondi, an architect based in Langata says. Mr.
Omondi used to batter his wife and now regrets for ever doing that.
Although the wife divorced him, Mr Omondi says that he is optimistic
that Mary, his wife would come home one day. “You never know the
value of a something until you loose it, my life took a turn to the
worst after Mary left me. I can never get a woman like her. I hope
she returns.” says Omondi.
SAMWEL BORN MAINA
NAIROBI
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