AGAIN! IT IS A BABY GIRL

VILLAGE HERO

I do not know how to break this news to you. I was crestfallen when i received them and for the first time i wish that the land i was standing on would crack and swallow me alive, i could not withstand the news. After nine rambunctious months, a dark cloud spread in my compound after Sese, our family 'doctor' spilled the beans to the awaiting invited visitors from the neighboring villages. Abby, my acting 'small' wife, had given birth to a girl once again contrary to what Sese had assured me. Hell broke loose. I became furious upon realizing that she played me into believing me that the baby that Abby was carrying was a boy. Would Abby be complacent to this ploy that was well engineered? Was she worried that i would kick her out after realizing that she was to give birth to a girl once again after nine attempts of getting a 'metal'? I joined other men who had gathered in my well furnished sitting room in condemning 'our' women. I agreed with them that our women were out to frustrate us by intentionally giving birth to girls.

 Well, you can agree with me now that i want to go fishing once again. This is war. I will not relent until i get a 'metal'. I am tired of having weak images in my compound. When will i ever take my child to school? Although some 'wazungus' came to my compound to preach to me to take my girls to school, i consider that a waste of money.

Why I Should Be The Next Inspector General

By now, you should all know that my education records are outstanding,and my brilliant mind is unmatched. Equally, my way of reasoning cannot be compared by anyone in Maji Mafupi or Maji Marefu. That is why when the position of the Inspector General came up, my impeccable record in Maji Mafupiallowed me to apply. Of course there were haters who appeared to be so sure that i will not even be shortlisted to place my application letter in a post office. As you all known, beneath the camaraderie and the benign face that Sitayi wears, lies hatred and jealous directed towards me. That however did not deter me from sitting down with Abigael and drawing a curriculum vitae that would win me that coveted job. After all, writing a CV was just a formality. My brother's wife's uncle-Oriaro who is an AP posted in Shauri Moyo in a city called Nairobi had promised me that he will push my case to ensure that i get the job. 

You all remember, Oriaro, has blood relation with Iteere,so securing a job as an Inspector General for me would not be an issue. So i and Abigael ensured that my CV was as short as possible to avoid confusing panelists with a lot of irrelevant information. That is why i did not attend secondary school in the first place. By the time i reached in class 8, i knew that secondary school was irrelevant because i was knowledgeable and clever to sit in those classes. My father had also transferred his wealth to me.  Anyway, my CV and application letter appeared like this:

Dear Sir/Madam,

 Greetings from Maji Mafupi. I am writing this missive to apply for a position of the Inspector General that is currently not occupied. Although i know that you might have heard about me on several occasions, it is rather prudent for me to briefly explain the wonders i have done to ensure that Maji Mafupi is a secured village. As you know, i personally led a revolution that saw the ejection of Otara, the village elder when he tried to favor Sitayi to be the Chairman of Maji Mafupi market. I could not tolerate such high profiled impunity. That is why together with Patasi and village boys, after visiting Kemunto for regular Puya dose, we held a demo to ensure that Otara had ceased to be elder. Together with other security measures that i had put up, i believe that i can extend my wisdom to the national level. Below is my CV.

                      CURRICULUM VITAE

NAME:  OKIRO OPINI

DATE OF BIRTH:   NOT NECESSARY

ID NUMBER:          AT MAJI MAREFU,WE KNOW EACH OTHER WELL

LANGUAGE:        WILL SPREAD TRIBALISM

EDUCATION

NURSERY:    DID NOT ATTEND, HOWEVER WAS VERY HARD WORKING THEN

PRIMARY SCHOOL:   BUGO, NYASORE, RATETI, NYAIGESA, MOKOMONI. I COMPLETED MY STUDIES IN NYAKEMINCHA AND SCORED A RECORD OF    102 MARKS.

SECONDARY SCHOOL: N/A

UNIVERSITY:                    N/A

WORK EXPERINCE

FOR ONE YEAR I WAS CUTTING NAPIER GRASS FOR NYAUNDI. FOR THREE YEARS I WENT TO NAIROBI WHERE I MANAGED TO WORK AT INDUSTRIAL AREA AS A LUGGAGE CARRIER.

SINCE THEN UP TO NOW: WATCHMAN AT OKORA'S COMPOUND.AM RESPONSIBLE FOR ENSURING THAT NO ONE LEAVES OR ENTERS WITHOUT PROPER CLEARANCE.

Anyway, i know i will be considered for the job and that my track record that speaks for itself will give me an upper hand in becoming the next Inspector General.

yours faithfully,

okiro Opini.

WHY I THINK THE GOVERNMENT HAS WAGED WAR AGAINST ME

VILLAGE HERO

It is crystal clear that the recent amendment of a bill that seeks to limit the number of households in Kenya was specifically directed at me. As you all know, my intention of smashing my father's record of having 100 kids is facing a hurdle of a lifetime after the Ministry of Birth Control gave a directive requiring each household to have a maximum of two children. To me that is preposterous considering the fact that Abigael, my acting 'small' wife is expecting her sixth child with the low number attributed to the negligence of Sese, the village midwife, during Abby's second, fifth, eighth and ninth birth that saw the products succumb due to birth related complication which Sese said was as a result of not eating 'stones' as she had adviced Abby during her regular pre-natal 'clinic' check-ups. Although her argument was sound, I am contemplating looking for alternative ways of ensuring that my sixth child who to my exhilaration according to doctor Sese might be a boy, will live to see the world.