VILLAGE
HERO
It is
crystal clear that the recent amendment of a bill that seeks to limit the
number of households in Kenya was specifically directed at me. As you all know,
my intention of smashing my father's record of having 100 kids is facing a
hurdle of a lifetime after the Ministry of Birth Control gave a directive
requiring each household to have a maximum of two children. To me that is
preposterous considering the fact that Abigael, my acting 'small' wife is
expecting her sixth child with the low number attributed to the negligence of
Sese, the village midwife, during Abby's second, fifth, eighth and ninth birth
that saw the products succumb due to birth related complication which Sese said
was as a result of not eating 'stones' as she had adviced Abby during her
regular pre-natal 'clinic' check-ups. Although her argument was sound, I am
contemplating looking for alternative ways of ensuring that my sixth child who
to my exhilaration according to doctor Sese might be a boy, will live to see
the world.
You know,
we have stayed with Abby, my third wife for ten years and to the surprise of
many, even the guiness book of records she has managed to be pregnant each of
the ten years. Many of my village mates including Sitayi, my best friend,are
jealous of the outstanding fertility of my Abigael. That is the reason, she has
been a reigning 'small' wife for all those years yet I do not have a 'mpango wa
kando' except Kemunto, which as you all know we have a relationship that I can
only term as friends with benefit. Kemunto, the brew seller has always liked me
and as a result, I regularly get free booze on condition that I satisfy her
desires. That is simple.
Well, you
might be wondering why am not giving my first and second wives a platform here,
to appear that am not biased, I will give you a brief history of the two. My
first wife, Salome, as you can remember was forced on me after I had
impregnated her during her standard four schooloing. Since then despite the
harsh economy that hit our family, we managed to add other four girls which
prompted me to marry Nyasuguta, whom I found out was also cursed like Salome.
She too gave me a string of three sets of twin girls. It appeared to me and to
my mother, that ladies from the village of Maji Mafupi were cursed, that is
when I decided to go beyond our boundaries. After a long hunt, the bait managed
to catch Abigael. Her impeccable educational record and beauty could not be
ignored. I struck a deal with her father and we agreed that I would grab her
and take her with me in the evening on her way back home from Nyasimi Primary
School where she was pursuing a five-subject course in class six.
My
troubles with the Government started when some 'wazungus' visited my homestead
to take photos of my girls. “They appear to be malnourished,” said one
'mzungu', a statement I found to be insulting. All my girls have big stomachs,
they also have big eyes, a clear indicator that they are eating well. Even
Sese, our family doctor while examining Onsona, my favorite girl after she
appeared to be having big stomach and very thin legs, concluded that poor
distribution of food was the cause. She said that Onsona, should start eating
while standing to allow for free flow of Ugali to the legs. Although it has not
produced the desired results yet, all I know is that Rome was not built in one
day. Ugali will one day land on her legs and make them fat. The 'Wazungus' as
it appears leaked the news to the Ministry, who have since decided to wage war
against me. I recently saw a lady who was wearing a trouser coming with a big
white jacket to my homestead to do what she said was vaccinating my girls
against diseases. I chased her with my 'kebenoka', a sword I use when hunting.
Since then, it is rumoured that police will be accompanying the woman will be
visiting my homestead this weekend.
As a man
with junks of land and cattle, I do not see the reason why I should be asked to
limit the number of the children I bore. Am still hunting for the heir of my
wealth. I will not stop until I manage to give birth to a 'metal'. I think our
women this days are cursed, they do not give birth to boys anymore. What a
shame. If Abby too decides to go for a girl then I will be forced to 'vuka
border' in search of another woman who is not cursed. Meanwhile, I am really
waiting for the police to come interfere with my family. I know it is Sitayi
who is causing all the trouble brewing. But Sese who doubles as a normal doctor
and witchdoctor has promised that she will blind them with her strong
concoctions when they will come. She has also promised to protect my compound
against enemies like Sitayi. Meanwhile, I am asking for your suggestions as to
where I will take Abby. Her days are numbered. Sese says that she may not
manage the duty because her stomach appears to be extraordinary big which is
okay considering that she is carrying the heir of my wealth. Tell me the best
midwife from your village who has a record. I do not deal with quacks.
SAMWEL
BORN MAINA.
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