Mudavadi Duped Once Again

Mudavadi once said that powerful people in the Government were out to sour his relationship with Raila.Indeed they managed to do that. They dangled a carrot for Mudavadi and he ran for it. Now he is a stranded man, out of options. His political career was shining, he was assured of a second slot while in ODM until he felt he was a man,politically mature to ran on his own. In 2007, Raila chose him as running mate over William Ruto. Remember Ruto had the numbers yet Odinga chose to ignore him and went for Mudavadi. It is Raila who saved Mudavadi's career, he was kicked out even in his home turf during the 2002 elections when he was duped with a short tenure vice presidency. Truly, Mudavadi has demonstrated that he cannot be entrusted with the affairs of the nation. He is the water melon. A man of mistakes he is. After dumping ODM citing a disagreement over nomination process method of delegates versus county, Mudavadi launched his presidential ambition under the umbrella of UDF. His political insurgence was fast. He however didn't reach the finish line. The same forces that mislead him in 2002 knocked again. He swallowed the bait oblivious of the dangers he was posing on his political career. Ironically, he even embraced the delegate system of nomination which he had vehemently opposed while in ODM. Even to that, he was dumped rudely. He is no longer the Western region point-man. He rubbished the wisdom of the late Martin Shikuku. My advise to the Luhya vote is simple. Elect leadership that will steer not only your region but a country as a whole to a whole new level. Be wise. Don't be swayed by money. I rest my case.

WHY ASPIRANTS ARE FLOCKING TO MY HOMESTEAD

By now, even a 5-month kid knows how famous and influential I am in Maji Mafupi village and beyond borders. Many, like Sitayi ofcourse cannot accept the fact that I have fought tooth and nail to gain the undisputed fame. He, like a standard two kid, argues that I used a back door to gain my fame. Well, as you know, Sitayi is a ‘mkono birika’ type of people. Not even his nuclear family likes him. You see, after the tea bonus that saw Sitayi laugh all the way to the bank with a cheque worth 7,627 shillings, the man showcased his gluttonous nature after spending nearly everything in Borabu hotel leaving his family wallowing with hunger pangs. That is Sitayi for you. Of course he has waged a losing war against a solid rock like me.

Anyway, leave Sitayi alone. He is not worth my airtime here. You see, after the political realignment in our country, political aspirants have got themselves into a tough terrain. They must have strong grounds men for them to pull through. That is where I come in. My name, which has spread like bush fire to the neighbouring communities has compelled aspirants to sought after me.  They are trying to convince me to be their pointman in Majimarefu and even Majimafupi. Well, that comes with a price. As you all know, this dry season, my farming output has gone on a go-slow. This has forced me to look for alternative ways of ensuring abundant flow of food to my angels. I reluctantly had to offload some girls for marriage. Although they hadn’t fully attained 17 years, the maximum age of marriage as stipulated in my constitution, I decided to marry them off so that we can use the dowry for our family survival. 

The Misery of an unregistered voter

As the deadline for the IEBC voter registration looms, several Kenyans with myself inclusive risk being locked out of this noble process. And this is not attributed to my apathy but rather for reasons that are beyond my control. The IEBC, has categorically instructed voter registration clerks to turn away Kenyans who do not possess original identity card or passport away even if they are eligible to vote. That is where my beef with Isack Hassan’s IEBC battalion begins.

  When this once in five year exercise began, I, like many other patriotic Kenyans was excited to jump into the bandwagon of the engineers of change. I was ready to register until muggers came knocking by my door. These armed young men spare my life but could not spare my wallet with which my national identity card was among the untraceable contents. Coincidentally, these deadly men took my identity card when I needed it most. I was planning to resister as a voter the same day.

 In order to beat the deadline as stipulated by the IEBC, I rushed to the nearby police station where I obtained an abstract. With hope that IEBC had factored in such unforeseen circumstances, I went to the registration center armed with the abstract. To prove my authenticity even further, carried with me the photocopy of my identity card, my ATM, my original certificates and even business card. But to my utter disappointment, I was turned away from Plainsview registrastion center in South B and was told that anything shot of original identiy card or passport was not negotiable. I walked away crestfallen knowing that the dream of being part of the change that I always advocated for had been mercilessly shattered.

Averagely, it takes more than a month for one’s identity card to be ready. In this case, mine will be ready in January, the time when the deadline would be long overdue. My friends too, who are in the same boat, will not be registered.

 Of course the mess am in could have been easily avoided if the local municipality had mounted security lights leading to my estate with police making early morning patrols to protect hard working Kenyans like me who wake up at 5am for work.

To add insult to my injury, IEBC, ironically are confirming my eligibility by sending endless messages on my phone reminding me on the need to register. I should not be blamed for the debacle  am in, what happened was beyond my control.

Finally, my question to the IEBC is, why didn’t they factor in such unfortunate circumstances? Why can’t they use police abstract and other documents to register? No one is immune from misplacing his or her identity card. It can happen to anybody. Is there no help? It is only hours before the deadline and I wish my cry for help will reach the ears of Isack Hassan. I may be one Kenyan, but I believe I am a mouthpiece of other thousands of Kenyans caught in the same pandemonium.

SAMWEL BORN MAINA

ID: 26216056

If Caroline Mutoko Apologizes, She would be demeaning herself

As expected, the most successful radio queen in Kenya,Caroline Mutoko ,recently got a heated backlash from angry social media family for her facebook sentiments after a fan posted on her wall. Well, I may not agree with the way she handled the matter 100% but one thing is indeed for sure, many of the social media users use it wrongly. The cold war waged against her is preposterous. We demonstrated our idleness by throwing abuses at her rather than discussing issues.

For instance, that post could have provided a platform for discussing Safaricom in detail. Indeed, personally, I have felt the pinch of Safaricom for a long time and nothing would thrill me more than asking Bob Collymore why the tariffs are excruciating high. The reply from the Caroline was unexpected. First, she referred the lady as idle for posting on her wall. She did not generalize. If she did, then, she would be in the same bunch of idlers. She particularly referred to the lady.

The war directed to Caroline is hatred that is baseless. Members of the social media were actually waiting for such an opportune moment to pour out their venom that was held for a long time. Others even went ahead to form pages that specifically wishing her an unforeseen demise. That is hatred. That is pathetic and hurting. The engineers of such pages, I assume, have got parents or people they care about. How will you feel someone wishing them death? Not good. Don’t you think that she has a family.People who look upto her? They were hurt.

As much as she made a mistake, I feel that she should not apologize. Infact, Kenyans should ask for her forgiveness. Am talking about those who actively threw abuses at her. She is an outstanding iron lady, who has achieved so much. Many think that she is full of braggadocio, proud and bad. Well, I think she is not. She is just being herslf. She is rich. She worked to reach where she is for a long time.

 Social media is a platform that has a double aged sword. It can be used to completely destroy someone or create them. Listen to her show, do you know how much impact she has had for our society. Take time. Don’t haul your abuses to her even when you do not really know the update she made. I believe many of you, did not see. You were just abusing out of hate. Read keenly the exact text below and from there make your judgment whether to abuse or indeed shut up.

Well, here is the tex that landed her into trouble;

AGAIN! IT IS A BABY GIRL

VILLAGE HERO

I do not know how to break this news to you. I was crestfallen when i received them and for the first time i wish that the land i was standing on would crack and swallow me alive, i could not withstand the news. After nine rambunctious months, a dark cloud spread in my compound after Sese, our family 'doctor' spilled the beans to the awaiting invited visitors from the neighboring villages. Abby, my acting 'small' wife, had given birth to a girl once again contrary to what Sese had assured me. Hell broke loose. I became furious upon realizing that she played me into believing me that the baby that Abby was carrying was a boy. Would Abby be complacent to this ploy that was well engineered? Was she worried that i would kick her out after realizing that she was to give birth to a girl once again after nine attempts of getting a 'metal'? I joined other men who had gathered in my well furnished sitting room in condemning 'our' women. I agreed with them that our women were out to frustrate us by intentionally giving birth to girls.

 Well, you can agree with me now that i want to go fishing once again. This is war. I will not relent until i get a 'metal'. I am tired of having weak images in my compound. When will i ever take my child to school? Although some 'wazungus' came to my compound to preach to me to take my girls to school, i consider that a waste of money.

Why I Should Be The Next Inspector General

By now, you should all know that my education records are outstanding,and my brilliant mind is unmatched. Equally, my way of reasoning cannot be compared by anyone in Maji Mafupi or Maji Marefu. That is why when the position of the Inspector General came up, my impeccable record in Maji Mafupiallowed me to apply. Of course there were haters who appeared to be so sure that i will not even be shortlisted to place my application letter in a post office. As you all known, beneath the camaraderie and the benign face that Sitayi wears, lies hatred and jealous directed towards me. That however did not deter me from sitting down with Abigael and drawing a curriculum vitae that would win me that coveted job. After all, writing a CV was just a formality. My brother's wife's uncle-Oriaro who is an AP posted in Shauri Moyo in a city called Nairobi had promised me that he will push my case to ensure that i get the job. 

You all remember, Oriaro, has blood relation with Iteere,so securing a job as an Inspector General for me would not be an issue. So i and Abigael ensured that my CV was as short as possible to avoid confusing panelists with a lot of irrelevant information. That is why i did not attend secondary school in the first place. By the time i reached in class 8, i knew that secondary school was irrelevant because i was knowledgeable and clever to sit in those classes. My father had also transferred his wealth to me.  Anyway, my CV and application letter appeared like this:

Dear Sir/Madam,

 Greetings from Maji Mafupi. I am writing this missive to apply for a position of the Inspector General that is currently not occupied. Although i know that you might have heard about me on several occasions, it is rather prudent for me to briefly explain the wonders i have done to ensure that Maji Mafupi is a secured village. As you know, i personally led a revolution that saw the ejection of Otara, the village elder when he tried to favor Sitayi to be the Chairman of Maji Mafupi market. I could not tolerate such high profiled impunity. That is why together with Patasi and village boys, after visiting Kemunto for regular Puya dose, we held a demo to ensure that Otara had ceased to be elder. Together with other security measures that i had put up, i believe that i can extend my wisdom to the national level. Below is my CV.

                      CURRICULUM VITAE

NAME:  OKIRO OPINI

DATE OF BIRTH:   NOT NECESSARY

ID NUMBER:          AT MAJI MAREFU,WE KNOW EACH OTHER WELL

LANGUAGE:        WILL SPREAD TRIBALISM

EDUCATION

NURSERY:    DID NOT ATTEND, HOWEVER WAS VERY HARD WORKING THEN

PRIMARY SCHOOL:   BUGO, NYASORE, RATETI, NYAIGESA, MOKOMONI. I COMPLETED MY STUDIES IN NYAKEMINCHA AND SCORED A RECORD OF    102 MARKS.

SECONDARY SCHOOL: N/A

UNIVERSITY:                    N/A

WORK EXPERINCE

FOR ONE YEAR I WAS CUTTING NAPIER GRASS FOR NYAUNDI. FOR THREE YEARS I WENT TO NAIROBI WHERE I MANAGED TO WORK AT INDUSTRIAL AREA AS A LUGGAGE CARRIER.

SINCE THEN UP TO NOW: WATCHMAN AT OKORA'S COMPOUND.AM RESPONSIBLE FOR ENSURING THAT NO ONE LEAVES OR ENTERS WITHOUT PROPER CLEARANCE.

Anyway, i know i will be considered for the job and that my track record that speaks for itself will give me an upper hand in becoming the next Inspector General.

yours faithfully,

okiro Opini.

WHY I THINK THE GOVERNMENT HAS WAGED WAR AGAINST ME

VILLAGE HERO

It is crystal clear that the recent amendment of a bill that seeks to limit the number of households in Kenya was specifically directed at me. As you all know, my intention of smashing my father's record of having 100 kids is facing a hurdle of a lifetime after the Ministry of Birth Control gave a directive requiring each household to have a maximum of two children. To me that is preposterous considering the fact that Abigael, my acting 'small' wife is expecting her sixth child with the low number attributed to the negligence of Sese, the village midwife, during Abby's second, fifth, eighth and ninth birth that saw the products succumb due to birth related complication which Sese said was as a result of not eating 'stones' as she had adviced Abby during her regular pre-natal 'clinic' check-ups. Although her argument was sound, I am contemplating looking for alternative ways of ensuring that my sixth child who to my exhilaration according to doctor Sese might be a boy, will live to see the world.